Angry is not quite the right word really, it's nowhere even close to being strong enough. Im upset, scared, worried, and pretty much every other negative emotion you can think of.
I've already mentioned being worried about my step dad after his recent heart op, as he went from looking and seeming so well, like the clock had been turned back ten years, then recently he has very suddenly gone downhill. His sparkle has gone, his get up and go has got up and gone, he's pale and listless and just generally he just seems like a shadow of his former self. There is a rather long, drawn out story which I dont want to go into right now, but it turns out that the agonising cough he's had over the last month or so, and his feelings of breathlessness and weakness aren't being caused by stress as we all thought, but are actually symptoms of a lung tumour.
He only found out today, and 'officially' I don't know yet as he is yet to tell my mum-but my step sister (bless her) thought I should know, so I've just had a teary telephone conversation with her.
And this is why I am so angry.
I mentioned recently about seeing my Father for the first time in around 17 years, but I'm not sure I said how well he was looking. He looks about 20 years younger than when I last saw him. He had to have a heart bypass about 12 years ago, but on the cardiac front everything is tickety boo, he had a cataract op recently and now doesn't have to wear glasses (he has worn them for as long as I've known him), and just seemed to be the absolute picture of health. I cannot begin to describe how furious I am about that.
He and my Mum divorced when I was about 12 years old. Mum had to fight for months before he would see me, then the last time I saw him til a couple of weeks ago was 1998. That man walked out on me, seemingly wasnt bothered about his Granddaughter (I only found out by accident when he had his heart bypass), yet there he is, all healthy and spritely, living his life doing what he wants, when he wants. Then my step dad who has been an absolute rock for me over the years, putting up with all the teenager shit I threw at him, who thinks of my Daughter as his own flesh and blood, and basically just been the best Dad and Grandad we could have wished for just seems to keep getting crap slung at him.
It's not known yet exactly what the tumour is. It could be nasty, it could be 'nothing'. Either way, I can't see the prognosis being good. If it is a nasty, then I don't know that he could tolerate chemo/radiotherapy given his other problems. If it's 'nothing' then it can't be left as it's making him so unwell, but again I don't know that he would tolerate surgery to remove it. I'm trying so hard to find just a sliver of light but I quite simply can't. I can't find a way of there being a good outcome of this.
And I can't bear the thought of losing him.
