Dear Mum,

I'm sitting on a bench looking out over Bognor beach,  coffee beside me, ciggie in hand and I'm really missing you Mum. I picked my phone up a little while ago to call you, then it hit me like a brick when I remembered that you're not there anymore.

I hope you approve of everything we are doing. Decisions and plans we are making. Is it wrong that we are so keen to sell your home? On one hand it feels like it is, but on the other it feels right-selling it will enable us to do what I think you would want us to do. For me it means finally getting settled in my own home. Something which I know you wanted for me as much as I want it for myself.

Did you hear me talking to you on Sunday? I was cleaning the bathroom, and found half of one of your hidden roll ups on top of the medicine cabinet.  Made me laugh to myself, remembering how you'd come out of the bathroom all innocent, with a mist of hairspray trailing behind you to mask the smell of smoke, and the bathroom window wide open even on the coldest days.  I couldn't bring myself to put it in the bin-silly eh?  Just seemed so wrong to throw it away somehow, so i hid it again for you.  

There have been so many times I've wanted to talk to you lately. To tell you about Mo being offered a place at the first Uni she auditioned at, about how much hard word and stress she has put herself through for her Chi audition, and just general chit chat. 11 o'clock on a Sunday morning is by far the hardest time for me. I'd always ring you even though the plan for the day was always the same, and we could spend ages chatting even though we knew we'd be seeing each other in a couple of hours. We'd chat about nothing, and I can't believe how much I miss that.

I hope we're doing you proud Mum. Everything is for you now-all I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me, as I was you. I hope you knew that.

I take great comfort in knowing that you are back with your Pete, because I know how much you missed him. I'm sure the pair of you found the shoe incident as funny as Mark and I did!

I miss you so much, but I won't say that I wish you were still here, because I know that here isn't where you wanted to be.  Just find a way to let me know that you and Pete are together, and happy again. Because so long as you are happy then nothing else matters.

xxx