She did it Mum.

Finding things really tough at the moment Mum, especially with Mo's A Level results coming in yesterday.  She needed CCD to get in to Chichester, and the little star went and got BBB.  It was so hard not being able to tell you yesterday-all I wanted to do was pick up the phone to give you the news and it's so painful not being able to.  I know that you would be as proud of her as I am, and I really wish that you were here to celebrate with us.

She has a gig tomorrow night-duetting with Tony no less!  They did a little charity thing a while ago, and he contacted her to say that she really impressed him and asked if she would interested in duetting with him at a paid gig at Earsham Hall!  She obviously jumped at the chance, but we never did find out why he decided to make a change from the Tony and Ashlea show!  I'm going with Dad so he'll get to hear her sing for the first time, and although I wish more than anything it was you I would be there with, I'm looking forward to going with my old man :). It has been really lovely reconnecting with him, and my love for music has struck again. I started off with violin but my stupid fingers soon put an end to that one, so I am slowly teaching myself the clarinet instead.  I've made a deal with Dad that if I get good enough I will join an orchestra, but only on the condition that he starts to play again too.  It's been so good talking music with him-there's so much both of you had done that I never knew about before!  It's weird cos its like I'm getting to know you even better now that you've gone, and although it makes me sad that I didn't know these things before, I love how I am still surprised, and impressed by you.

I have reached a major crossroads in my life, and I have simply no idea which way to go.  I have 2 massively life changing options, and I'm finding it impossible deciding which to go for.  I'm sure that I know which way you would like me to go, and I know that you would be totally behind me, but that doesn't make it any easier.  I wish I could talk to you about it-another one of our little deep and meaningfuls as we walked around Burgh Castle.  I think I will just have to trust my gut instinct and go for it.

I've finally booked a trip to go and visit Sue and co, which I know you would definitely have wanted me to do.  I had a lovely letter from her not long ago and she seems really excited too, and has a full itinerary planned for us bless her.  I know she's having a tough time having lost you, so I hope that seeing us and being able to talk to us will help her to grieve if you know what I mean? I'm sure everyone out there has been super supportive, but they didn't know you like we did.  I've kept a few things of yours to take out for her too, and I'm going to get some other bits and pieces for her so I can give her a piece of 'home', as she think the distance is all too apparent for her right now.  I'm so excited about going, and Mecia is too.  Especially after finding out that performers are on the skilled migrants list so emigrating could be a real option for her after Uni! (Unless I beat her to it of course).

I hope you hear the regular conversations I have with you Mum.  I find the thought so comforting, and I know exactly what you would say back.  Sometimes it's like you never left-I ask you something and I hear you as clear as a bell telling me what you think I should do. And although it hurts that you're not really there, I love how it feels that you are still helping to guide me.  I may be an adult, but I still need you Mum.  I love you, and I miss you so much x

Just because.

There is no real purpose to this post, other than the fact that I need a major brain clear out.

I feel like I've coped really well after losing Mum, but with stuff at work, Daughter going away to Uni and other stuff it's all getting a little bit much.  Not helped by Daughter being ill while away on holiday! I'm ashamed to admit that I did the typical parental overreaction thing and was looking up flights so I could be with her, but a few phonecalls and lots of text messages and Euros later she's got meds and is already starting to feel better.

One thing I'm not ashamed to admit is how much I'm dreading her going to Uni.  I am super excited for her, I'm just going to miss her loads.  The fact that I am stuck in a housing situation which I hate, but cannot change just yet isn't helping.  Thanks to Mum I have a fantastic deposit sitting in the bank, I'm just not in a position to get even a small mortgage just yet and it's so frustrating.  I am in serious need of my own space, and my patience is rapidly wearing thin.

The fact that I effectively demoted myself at work has done a lot to improve my mental well being.  The pressures and expectations were simply getting too much and I could feel myself heading towards that all too familiar downward spiral.  The cut in pay is barely noticeable due to weekend working enhancements, and I know for a fact that it was easily one of the best decisions I have ever made.  The best thing about it is I have become something of a Girl Friday for our Senior Manager.  He is constantly snowed under with meetings, figures and reports-and he now comes to me for help.  He knows how much I enjoy fiddling around with excel spreadsheets, and I've written some pretty swanky reports on our computer system to make compiling figures easier and so even those things are way beyond the job description, they are now, effectively mine to do.  As it all to relates to how well we are performing and how much money we make I feel I make much more of an impact now.  And the recognition and thanks I get from both my Managers and also the General Manager for the whole trust certainly helps inflate my ego!

In family stuff, my Brother recently made he decision to change his surname to that of his Fathers.  When my mum and dad got married, dad legally adopted my brother so he had his name, but my Dad hasn't been a part of his life for years.  I guess now that Mum has gone my Brother felt he could take his natural dads name again, without fear of upsetting her, or disrespecting her.  It's weird but it kinda feel like my family just got a little smaller.  I know he's still my brother, but the only reason we had different surnames before was because I had been married-now it's like the Wells' Family never existed! There's other family stuff too which is still just too 'unreal' in my head to even try to make sense of here, so that will have to wait for another time.

Well, mission successful.  Getting it down in black and white has helped-and talking about the work thing here has made me realise even more how fantastic a decision that was.

Until the next impending meltdown...........

Dear Mum,

I'm sitting on a bench looking out over Bognor beach,  coffee beside me, ciggie in hand and I'm really missing you Mum. I picked my phone up a little while ago to call you, then it hit me like a brick when I remembered that you're not there anymore.

I hope you approve of everything we are doing. Decisions and plans we are making. Is it wrong that we are so keen to sell your home? On one hand it feels like it is, but on the other it feels right-selling it will enable us to do what I think you would want us to do. For me it means finally getting settled in my own home. Something which I know you wanted for me as much as I want it for myself.

Did you hear me talking to you on Sunday? I was cleaning the bathroom, and found half of one of your hidden roll ups on top of the medicine cabinet.  Made me laugh to myself, remembering how you'd come out of the bathroom all innocent, with a mist of hairspray trailing behind you to mask the smell of smoke, and the bathroom window wide open even on the coldest days.  I couldn't bring myself to put it in the bin-silly eh?  Just seemed so wrong to throw it away somehow, so i hid it again for you.  

There have been so many times I've wanted to talk to you lately. To tell you about Mo being offered a place at the first Uni she auditioned at, about how much hard word and stress she has put herself through for her Chi audition, and just general chit chat. 11 o'clock on a Sunday morning is by far the hardest time for me. I'd always ring you even though the plan for the day was always the same, and we could spend ages chatting even though we knew we'd be seeing each other in a couple of hours. We'd chat about nothing, and I can't believe how much I miss that.

I hope we're doing you proud Mum. Everything is for you now-all I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me, as I was you. I hope you knew that.

I take great comfort in knowing that you are back with your Pete, because I know how much you missed him. I'm sure the pair of you found the shoe incident as funny as Mark and I did!

I miss you so much, but I won't say that I wish you were still here, because I know that here isn't where you wanted to be.  Just find a way to let me know that you and Pete are together, and happy again. Because so long as you are happy then nothing else matters.

xxx